1492 – Columbus spots a big new continent.

1776 – Patriots declare that they rock.

1861 – Civil War divides the US.

1979 – John Wayne dies.

2005 – Texas was finally tamed as P.J. Leffelman rode into town.

It was a difficult rite of passage for P.J. Leffelman, but it was one that he knew he must take. Having ventured from the flat lands of the Midwest to the far stretches of mighty California, he had seen the political torment that plagued his homeland. P.J. knew he only had one choice, and that choice was this, that as a true American, he must be the one to tame the Lone Star Country and reunite it with the rest of America. So P.J. trained for his mission. He bought a covered wagon and filled it with sheep for warmth. He bought four hundred and sixty eight rifles for protection. He fashioned canteens out of old leather boots. He even went so far as to learn the indigenous language of Utah and Maine so that he might pass without harm. But it wasn’t enough…

P.J. Leffelman, the bearded pioneer, fell victim to the elements whilst traveling southeast to his new frontier. First racoons stole all but nine of his rifles. Then, the great dustbowl storm of aught-four slowed his travels down to a mere crawl. While going up bayou pass deep in the ruckerberry forests of New Mexico, the final wheel on his covered wagon broke. Hopeless, without reception for his cell phone, and with only one day of supplies left, P.J. cried. He cried and he cried. He wept and he wept. He sobbed and he sobbed. Soon after, all the woodland creatures heard his weeping. Knowing what a noble cause P.J. was fighting for they came to his rescue. Jonathon the wood badger translated for all the dumber creatures. Through Jonathon, P.J. learned how to grow his beard bigger from Milt the porcupine. Edgar taught him how to make fire using only his mind. And Frederique taught P.J. how to make a ten gallon hat from papyrus. This training lasted 346 days. On the 347th day, P.J. approached Jonathon for his final lesson. Jonathon was sick and he was getting worse every day. On day 347 as P.J. bent over Jonathon’s bed, which P.J. had fashioned from a boat load of rubber duckies, Jonathon whispered in his ear, “it is time my young marsupial friend, it is time,” and he lay his head for his final rest. P.J., gripped with sadness, stood and screamed with such might that the Grand Canyon was formed and seven wild fires started in Colorado.

So P.J. did his best to say goodbye to the woodland animals, his friends if you will, but he didn’t know their language. Something must have been misunderstood as they all began to chase P.J. out. P.J., having become immensely manly over the last 347 days, picked up his broken covered wagon which now contained seven canteens, four rifles, nine thousand two hundred and fourty-four sheep, and one beautifully crafted papyrus hat. Though the weight was overwhelming, P.J.’s passion for the frontier was even fiercer. He stood proud and he carried his weight eastwardly. P.J. walked for nine hundred and sixty eight minutes, over four trillion two hundred billion seven hundred and eighty-eight kilometers, through desert, ice, humidity and golf courses and at last, with only four cubic litres of water left, he set his eyes on the frontier…Texas.

Folk say the sun shone ever brighter that day. That the clouds formed more recognizable shapes than ever before. Some even say the desert got hotter. History books and lore alike recognize that armadillos throughout the land bowed with reverence. For P.J. was here. He had come and all was now well.