I was thinking about my past recently and I discovered what makes me tick, what drives every movement in my life. What, in the end of all things, will define me. That one glorious thing is pants. Yes, the clothing that adorns your legs is the very subject of my happiness. In everything that I have done, from play to work, pants have been there and have been crucial in my happiness. Without comfortable pants, my life would be completely different.

When I was a kid, I played sports. Well, I tried, but now I know why I failed at so many. Football, tight silly pants with pads in them. Baseball, wow, even tighter pants than football. Soccer and basketball don’t even get pants, along with tennis. Hockey, same as football. Hence, the only thing I was cut out for was “aggressive” sports such as rollerblading (wow, aggressive and rollerblading just sounds funny in the same sentence. how about we use the word skating instead) because you could wear enormous comfortable pants. Oh yeah, and I ran too, but honestly you are wearing next to nothing when you run so they count as extremely comfortable pants.

When I was maturing (hmmm… maturing makes it sound like I have…), I had to get a job. My ultimate choices were setting up the baseball diamonds, Pacific Sunwear and groundscrew for the school district. At all of those jobs I got to wear whatever pants I so desired. In fact, whilst working at PacSun I acquired many of the pants that later formed my view of what a good pant should be like. Big, comfortable and durable was my decision. Later in my maturing I came to formulate musical tastes, all of which revolve around pants. Swing dancing and clubbing afford the dancers to wear nice comfortable pants. Even when I bought my suit for formal events, my pants rocked. They were nice and roomy while still maintaining that GQ look I have come to embody.

Last in my life (thus far) has been my career choice. Knowing that most jobs involve wearing silly pants with creases in them, I decided to choose a career which would afford me the luxury of wearing big denim pants, I chose to be an artist. Computer artists have it even better bc people that work with computers can get away with having no sense of fashion whatsoever, so we can wear whatever pants we like. When I worked over the summer in the industry, everyone wore nice pants that they were comfortable in. Furthermore, I have even (subconsciously of course) chosen a place to live where I can wear pants everyday of the year without worrying about silly shorts.

I was contemplating why pants are so crucial in my life and I must claim that I am a victim to loving pants. It’s not my fault, it’s my mom’s. When I was a wee lad, I was told to flash a girl in order for her to like me. My mom saw me do this in plain day across the street. She came running out and quickly told me “If you can’t wear your pants for [girl], then you can’t wear your pants for anyone.” She then pulled my pants down and made me walk home bare bummed. To this day she laughingly tells me that she was doing all she could to not laugh at my bare little cheeks wobbling back and forth as I walked home crying. On account of my mom publicly stripping me of my pants, I am now addicted to pants. Without pants, I feel vulnerable and naked, like that young child walking home pantless.

So when you go to the store and buy your next pair of pants, don’t think that they are a mere accessory, or a mere necessity, think of the deeper meaning that pants means to me and should mean to you. Everywhere I go, everything I do, I will not wear anything on my legs that isn’t comfortable. If I can go the rest of my life with my legs being comfortable, I will have accomplished the greatest thing any man has ever set out to do. Wish me luck.